It’s almost April Fools’ Day, so here goes. Don’t tell Sean Spicer that I wrote this, or I’ll finally make it to the administration’s s-list.
In a private examination conducted at Donald Trump’s Florida Mar-a-Lago resort two weeks ago, Doctor Levi Schwarzkopf, a prominent Israeli gastroenterologist, determined during a routine colonoscopy that Donald Trump’s brain is 25 percent smaller than that of a normal human. Jason Wilder’s Fake News has seen the colonoscopy report, a copy of which was smuggled out of Mar-a-Lago by a Hispanic busboy who Xeroxed the report when Doctor Schwarzkopf left it sitting on his table in the dining room during a hurried and extended visit to the restaurant’s men’s room after consuming an appetizer that the busboy had furtively infused with a triple dose of Dulcolax, a powerful laxative.
The busboy, who has requested anonymity, sold a copy of the report to the Washington Post for $25,000. Fearing retribution from the White House, the Post spiked a news story based on the colonoscopy report. The busboy, enraged by what he considers to be President Trump’s anti-Hispanic views, determined to make the report public and provided a free copy to Jason Wilder’s Fake News after obtaining a promise from us that we would publicize the report’s main finding.
The report is written in technical, medical jargon, but translated into ordinary English, the colonoscopy report estimates the weight of Donald Trump’s brain at 2.25 pounds compared to 3.0 pounds for the average human male. No other anomalies were reported. We consulted noted brain surgeon Alexis Donahue for an interpretation of the report.
“Brain size is directly related to intelligence,” according to Doctor Donahue. “Donald Trump’s brain is 25 percent smaller than that of the average man, which implies that he is also 25 percent below average in intelligence. The good news is that Donald Trump’s brain is much larger than that of most orangutangs. That means that those of accused Donald Trump of being as ‘dumb as a big monkey’ are quite wrong.”
However, Doctor Donahue says that the most surprising finding is the location of Donald Trump’s brain. “It is quite unusual for a gastroenterologist to be able to measure the characteristics of a human brain using a colonoscope. The fact that he was able to do so indicates that Doctor Schwarzkopf has an extraordinary skill at performing this type of examination. It is also probable that President Trump’s brain is located much lower that one would expect. Normally, the human brain is located in the cranial region. However, Donald Trump’s brain is located in the inferior gluteal portion of his corpus.”
As a postscript to his remarks, Doctor Donahue mentioned that he was not surprised that no other anomalies were found during the colon examination. “It is well known that Donald Trump possesses perfect anal characteristics.”
Jason Wilder’s Fake News contacted Doctor Schwarzkopf at his office in Tel Aviv, but he refused to acknowledge that he had conducted the examination or even that he had flown to the United States to examine President Trump. However, upon further digging, we did find a round trip airline ticket in his name from Tel Aviv to Miami.