Trump Colonoscopy Reveals Undersized Brain

It’s almost April Fools’ Day, so here goes. Don’t tell Sean Spicer that I wrote this, or I’ll finally make it to the administration’s s-list.

In a private examination conducted at Donald Trump’s Florida Mar-a-Lago resort two weeks ago, Doctor Levi Schwarzkopf, a prominent Israeli gastroenterologist, determined during a routine colonoscopy that Donald Trump’s brain is 25 percent smaller than that of a normal human. Jason Wilder’s Fake News has seen the colonoscopy report, a copy of which was smuggled out of Mar-a-Lago by a Hispanic busboy who Xeroxed the report when Doctor Schwarzkopf left it sitting on his table in the dining room during a hurried and extended visit to the restaurant’s men’s room after consuming an appetizer that the busboy had furtively infused with a triple dose of Dulcolax, a powerful laxative.

The busboy, who has requested anonymity, sold a copy of the report to the Washington Post for $25,000. Fearing retribution from the White House, the Post spiked a news story based on the colonoscopy report. The busboy, enraged by what he considers to be President Trump’s anti-Hispanic views, determined to make the report public and provided a free copy to Jason Wilder’s Fake News after obtaining a promise from us that we would publicize the report’s main finding.

The report is written in technical, medical jargon, but translated into ordinary English, the colonoscopy report estimates the weight of Donald Trump’s brain at 2.25 pounds compared to 3.0 pounds for the average human male. No other anomalies were reported. We consulted noted brain surgeon Alexis Donahue for an interpretation of the report.

“Brain size is directly related to intelligence,” according to Doctor Donahue. “Donald Trump’s brain is 25 percent smaller than that of the average man, which implies that he is also 25 percent below average in intelligence. The good news is that Donald Trump’s brain is much larger than that of most orangutangs. That means that those of accused Donald Trump of being as ‘dumb as a big monkey’ are quite wrong.”

However, Doctor Donahue says that the most surprising finding is the location of Donald Trump’s brain. “It is quite unusual for a gastroenterologist to be able to measure the characteristics of a human brain using a colonoscope. The fact that he was able to do so indicates that Doctor Schwarzkopf has an extraordinary skill at performing this type of examination. It is also probable that President Trump’s brain is located much lower that one would expect. Normally, the human brain is located in the cranial region. However, Donald Trump’s brain is located in the inferior gluteal portion of his corpus.”

As a postscript to his remarks, Doctor Donahue mentioned that he was not surprised that no other anomalies were found during the colon examination. “It is well known that Donald Trump possesses perfect anal characteristics.”

Jason Wilder’s Fake News contacted Doctor Schwarzkopf at his office in Tel Aviv, but he refused to acknowledge that he had conducted the examination or even that he had flown to the United States to examine President Trump. However, upon further digging, we did find a round trip airline ticket in his name from Tel Aviv to Miami.

Can too Much Exercise Kill You?

I recently finished reading a book entitled The Haywire Heart, written by Lennard Zinn, a former member of the US national cycling team, Dr. John Mandrola, and Christopher Case. Those of you who read VeloNews may have seen advertisements for the book, as Velo Press is the publisher. I read the Kindle edition, which I purchased and downloaded from Amazon. The information in the book is of special interest to the aging athlete, eg. anyone over 50 who carries exercise to an extreme.

The book argues that exercise is beneficial to health and longevity up to a point. If exercise is increased beyond that point, health deteriorates. Exercise hard enough, and you are unlikely to outlive someone who spends most of the day sitting in front of the TV eating potato chips.

The book is backed by studies. According to a New York Times article published in 2103, Tour de France cyclists in one study lived an average of eight years longer than sedentary men. However, as we know, when pro cyclists retire, they may keep cycling, but they no longer have a reason to do the extreme training. In other words, they back off on their training when they are still young enough for their bodies to repair the heart damage done by racing.

The Times article also reports a study of 50,000 adults that showed that runners who ran between 1 and 20 miles a week had a 20-percent lower chance of dying prematurely. However, those who ran more than 20 miles a week had the same risk of premature death as their sedentary contemporaries.

You can read the Times article by clicking here. Another article of the subject of the negative effects of overdoing exercise and be read on Health and Wellness by clicking here. (You have to enter some sort of email address into the popup box and click the highlighted buttons to read the article.)

According to the Health and Wellness article, “Studies suggest about one-third of marathon runners develop signs of heart stress immediately after a race, such as elevated troponin levels or enlarged heart chambers on imaging tests.” The older we get, the more downtime we require to recover and for our bodies to repair the heart damage, which can include micro-tears.

I have premature ventricular contractions (PVCs, which feel like skipped heart beats). The cardiologist calls them “benign,” but now I am wondering if they will remain benign if I keep on pushing. Until I read this book, my only complaint was that the PVCs slow me down, especially on climbs. My instinct was to push through them by doing more interval training. After reading this book, I am going to back off on the hard efforts. I’m still going to enjoy group bike rides, but I’m going to limit the time I spend pushing hard.

As you can see from one of my book advertisements in the left sidebar, I backpacked more than 400 miles two summers ago on the Camino de Santiago de Compostela. Was that smart? From now on, my hiking trips will be shorter.

A related anecdote: just over a year ago, an 80-year-old bike racer named Dave Deichman from Tucson, Arizona won the McDowell Mountain circuit race in his age group. Our bike racing team put on the race, and I presented Dave with his trophy. He appeared in excellent health and was overjoyed to receive the prize. A few days later, I heard that he had passed away from a heart attack. I can’t help but wonder if the fact that he trained and raced so hard at an advanced age caused him to die before his time. Of course, many of us would rather go that way, suddenly and in good shape right up to the end, but maybe if he had given that race a pass, he would still be with us. He was barely past the average life expectancy for an American male.

I’m sorry for boring so many with this long missive, but I know from conversations with fellow riders that I am not the only old geezer with a heart arrhythmia. Perhaps some of us cyclists who are 50 or older (I am a LOT older) should back off a bit and not feel that we have to attempt to stay with the younger folks on EVERY climb. Older runners may be better off doing shorter runs and allowing a few days recovery time between them. Limiting the number of hard efforts during runs or bike rides may keep some people from developing heart scarring and/or arrhythmia and help those of us who already have arrhythmia from doing more damage to our hearts.

Trump – A Liar or Living in a Fantasy World?

A large portion of Donald Trump’s tweets, perhaps most of them, are patently false. Is the man a liar, or is he completely out of touch with reality? I lean toward the second explanation.

One of today’s Trump tweets was so far removed from the truth that surely anyone with a modicum of sanity sitting in the president’s chair would know it was untrue. Donald Trump appears to not know that.

122 vicious prisoners, released by the Obama Administration from Gitmo, have returned to the battlefield. Just another terrible decision!

The problem with that tweet is that Donald J. Trump got his presidents mixed up. It is true that 122 of the 693 detainees released from Guantanamo Bay are considered recidivists, but almost all of them, 113, were released by President George W. Bush. Only 8 of the prisoners who were released during the Obama administration are on the list of recidivists.

 Another of today’s tweets reads:

Don’t let the FAKE NEWS tell you that there is big infighting in the Trump Admin. We are getting along great, and getting major things done!

Getting along great? One of his cabinet members was asked to resign, another nominee withdrew his name from consideration, and another, Jeff Sessions, is under pressure to resign after it was discovered that he lied to Congress during his nomination hearing. Trump’s Republican FBI Director, James Comey, indirectly contradicted Trump’s assertion that Barack Obama had tapped Trump’s telephone. Administration employees are resigning in droves, because they cannot in good conscience work for a madman. What world is President Trump living in if he considers that to be “getting along great?”

Oh, yes! Let us return to the tweet, apparently based on invented stories from right-wing sources, that Barack Obama had ordered Trump’s phone to be tapped during the presidential campaign. Not only has FBI Director James Comey asked the Justice Department to state that there was no such phone tap, former Director of National Intelligence James Clapper stated unequivocally on “Meet the Press” on Sunday that the US government absolutely did not tap Donald Trump’s phone.

Of course, it is possible that the tweet about Trump’s phone being tapped is true despite the denials of two big honchos in federal law enforcement, but if it is, why can Donald Trump offer no proof? Why is he even unable to name a single source for this fantastic accusation?

The answer, in my opinion, is quite simple: Donald Trump is living in a world created by his own imagination. I think President Trump believes his extravagant tweets when he sends them out. He does not have the mental capacity to check ideas that pop into his head against the facts. He cannot separate the pretend world he has created in his brain from the real world around him.

Psychologists have a term for this condition. It is called “fantasy prone personality” and describes a person who cannot differentiate between fantasy and reality. Many people with this disorder have pretend friends (Vladimir Putin?). Donald Trump also has pretend enemies who commit pretend offenses against him. We are being governed by a man who cannot differentiate between the real world and the imaginary world that exists only in his own malfunctioning brain cells.

In 1987, the New York Times published an excellent article that describes this mental disorder. You can read it by clicking here.